Let Us See the Light

Today was a Sad day. Some days are Joyful. Some are Mad. Some are Thankful, or Tired, or Too Much. But today felt Sad. And yet, even in the darkness…the overwhelm…the chaos, panic and endlessness, there is light.

It comes in the form of baby kicks when I lay awake in the middle of the night. The colored pencil creation of a unicorn named “Sparkletoot,” brought to life by my third grader. The squeals of my youngest three as they have a pillow fight on my bed. It comes in the form of small packages delivered by our church, the sun streaming through our sheer lace curtains, a blended chocolate coffee drink surprise that my husband made unexpectedly and brings to me as I sit and wallow in the melancholy.

He is home from work, furloughed for the time being. I am pregnant with our fifth child, filled with a mix of anxiety, gratitude, confusion, and joy. Life is uncertain and so some days are Sad. But I can pull a doughnut out of the freezer to comfort myself. I can take the baby for a walk in the sunshine. I can notice the way the golden light falls beautifully onto the flowers in the neighbor’s yard. I can take a nap. I can take a bath. I can take an hour to bake muffins with my oldest, knowing this is something we so rarely get to do together, knowing how it’s filling her cup, and mine, even on a Sad day.

And it was a Sad day, not the first nor the last, but it wasn’t filled with 86,400 seconds of sadness. There were bright moments, moments of light.

Those will be my beacon, even on the darkest day.

The Anchor

My baby,

In this world
where we hoard,
we hunker,
we hide away,

where the news
tips us towards
panic
and we can’t
hug and hold
our friends
or our neighbors,

where drive thru coffee
and takeout meals
are the best
we can do,
and feel like
a blessing
and a gift
when so much else
is being taken away
from us,

You are my anchor.

I feel you kick,
and I know
life will go on.
Life continues
even as time
seems to stand
still.

I feel you wiggle,
and I know I’m not
alone.

I hear the quick
thump thump thump
of your heartbeat,
and I know
God is good,
God is here,
in me,
in you,
in all of us.

We are not
forsaken
or forgotten.
Only forgiven
and loved.

Baby,
as the world
falls apart
and we cling
to hope,
you are the
reminder
that I need.

It is you
who is
holding me
together.